A 9-Day Long First Date Between Nomads

and Both with Asian Parent Baggage...

Nomad life is warped time, to say the least.

It’s FAST-paced, unforgiving, wild, weird, and wacky.

The people who tend to choose this lifestyle also tend to be what I affectionately call “Abnormies” or “Extraordinaries” - they seek an Extraordinary Life, the best it has to offer.

Why else are we trying to see more of the world than all our ancestors combined ever saw?

And our dating life is no exception.

I had a very interesting Prolonged First Date recently with another nomad.

It was a jam-packed, ask all the important dealbreaker questions, since we both were older, wanted kids, and were conscious about not wanting to waste time or fertility.

I even stayed with him at his hotel, even though I had not planned on it, but after my apartment got broken into and robbed, I didn’t feel safe there anymore.

I figured, why not, maybe this is a sign to go all in in maximizing time with this person.

So much came up, especially around family and filial duties, since he was also from an Asian-American background. And on generosity and capacity.

Many interesting and thought-provoking discussions.

What IS our duty to our families? He had done what every Asian parent wants a good son to do - became very financially abundant and gave back to the fam, taking them on fancy vacations, bragging rights, being available to caretake.

But at what point are you so enmeshed with giving to your current family that you fail to make room for a new family, your OWN family?

Where is the line?

Also, one of the traits he most valued in a partner is self-sacrifice. I had asked him, would he rather be with someone with a high capacity but didn’t give all of it, or with lower capacity but gave it all?

He preferred the latter. I would rather the former.

To me, leaving some energy for oneself is a sign of good self-care, awareness, regulation, and less likely for burnout to happen.

But I can see the appeal of someone who gives everything they’ve got. I just feel like it can end up being an endless black hole with some relatives’ unhealthy expectations and demands, and a recipe for burnout that takes a long period of recovery time. Prevention sounds better.

Why are we only allowed to say no if we’ve drained ourselves of everything we’ve got, or even beyond that point?

We are allowed to REST before we burn out, or even before we become tired. Why have we been taught to value sacrifice so much, especially in Asian and/or immigrant families? Can’t there be win-win situations? At what point does self-sacrifice turn into enabling others?